Understanding Disenfranchised Grief and Perinatal Mental Health

I tend to talk a lot of about disenfranchised grief in both my one on one and group work with clients. Actually, I talk to anyone else who will listen because this stuff is important in understanding some of the challenges faced with perinatal mental health.

So, what is disenfranchised grief?

Disenfranchised grief is a loss that is not publicly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. This grief is often seen as less significant and results in the person grieving in isolation and without the sympathy, ceremony and ritual typical with more public losses.  In other words, disenfranchised grief is often misunderstood, invalidated, and experienced in silence. This grief is valid and needs to be acknowledged.

Disenfranchised grief often shows up in the perinatal period. From folks struggling with fertility and pregnancy loss to the mom mourning her birth experience, to parents having to go back to work and grieving the loss of time with their little ones. Grief is everywhere.

Often the experience of disenfranchised grief and resulting isolation can also cause guilt, shame, low mood, anxiety, despair, loss of hope, frustration, and shock. Finding the space to safely experience and acknowledge this grief is so important.

What can you do?

• Create your own ritual or ceremony: plant a tree, light a candle etc.

• Memorialize your experience.

• Journaling - writing a letter to your infertility, your former self, the baby you lost, your future child etc.

• Connect with music.

• Connect with safe spaces where your grief can be expressed.

What does this look like?

In October, I had the privilege of attending The Butterfly Run in Nanaimo. This gathering of bereaved parents, those struggling with fertility, and their families was a beautiful example of finding ritual/ceremony as well as safe spaces to express and normalize the grief experience.

On October 15, in the middle of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, folks around the world participate in the Wave of Light. At 7pm around the world these folks light candles in honour of the babies that they have lost. Sometimes these gatherings are in person but often people use this time for gentle reflection at home while posting a picture of their candle with #WaveOfLight as a way to virtually gather and grief in a safe space.

These are just two examples of what honouring disenfranchised grief can look like in action. Finding what works for you may take some experimenting and what feels right one day may not on other days. Please remember to be gentle with yourself. Grief is not linear.

Feeling like you need more support and safe space to express your grief?

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